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..:: FanFiction
::.. |
Screen with green glitter. A phone-call.
Trin: Hello?
Cypher: Hi, it's me, Cypher!!
Trin: Oh... hi...
Cypher: 'Sup?
Trin: Er... what do you want?
Cypher: *heart-rending* Oh, I just wanted to hear your voice...
Trin: But... you see me every day.
Cypher: Ou. Well, er... 'sup?
A strange noise.
Trin: Did you hear that?
Cypher: *fart* Hear what?
Trin: Ahem... I better go.
Cypher: But- *click*
Cops storm the hotel room. Outside. A car stops and our beloved agents step out.
Smith: Congratulation, Jones... You parked on the parking ground at the first
attempt.
Jones: Ph!
In the building.
Trinity's big fight.
Cop: Ou. My arm. Ou. My nose.
Trin: *knocks everyone out* Shit.
"Shit"-scalar: *bing* One.
Agents get near.
Trin: *uses her phone* Hello! Police?
Police: Yes?
Trin: Er... *doesn't know why she called the police and hangs up, runs away, but sees the agents in the corridor*
Brown: *sees her*
Silence.
Brown: AHHH! *runs away*
Trin: *is confused*
Silence.
Brown: Wait, I'm an agent, I'm cool, I have a gun and I'm pretty mighty! *comes back* Ha Ha!
Trin runs over the roof and looks cool. Cops run over the roof and look
uncool. Trin jumps over a roof and looks cool. Cops jump down and die -
uncool. Trin runs in slow motion. To save money we just hear some sound files of
'Jurassic Park'.
Trin: *boom* *boom* *boom* *T-Rex roar*
Brown: *aims at Trin* Blam, blam!
Trin: Er, it's useless to say 'Blam blam'... you don't shoot...
Brown: BLAM!
Trin: *big jump to the other building*
Brown: *same big jump, lands, sprains his foot and keeps still for a moment*
...ouchi... *falls down the roof* Ahhhhhhhhh! *crash, boom, mew* ...I'm
fine!
Trin's cool big jump through the window.
Trin: *pulls her water-guns out* I hope agents react very sensitive on water...
*nothing happens* Get up, Trinity... just get up. Get up!
While Trin talks a bit to herself, she runs to the street and sees a phone-cell.
It rings, Trin grabs the phone, a truck with agents smashes her.
Smashed Trin: ...ouch.
Agents step out of the truck. Close-up of Smith's shoes.
Smith: *steps into a chewing gum*
Brown: *looks at the smashed phone-cell* She got out...
Smashed Trin: I'm still here! But I have bad injuries! Would you please
call an ambulance?? *cought*
Agent
Smith: It doesn't matter.
Agent Jones: *gets near to Smith* The
informant is real.
Agent Smith: Yes.
Agent Jones: *gets near to Smith, too* We
have the name of their next target.
Agent Brown: *very near* The
name is Neo.
Agent Smith: We'll need a search running.
Agent Jones: *very, very near* It's already begun.
Brown+Jones: *VERY near*
Smith: Er... what do you want?
Jones: I like your after-shave.
Brown: And I want to stand right beside you, we're best friends, we're in
partner-look, do you remember, when we went shopping together and we all bought
the same clothes, to show that we're very best friends??
Smith: *annoyed* Yeah...
Zoom to smashed phone-cell.
(Trin: *hoarse* ...help me!)
Neo's apartment. Neo sleeps on his desktop and hears his "The best lullabies for
children"-CD. Computer-screen writes crap.
Screen: Follow the white rabbit.
Neo: Huh?
Screen: Knock, knock, Neo.
Neo: Who's there?
Screen: Who.
Neo: Who who?
Screen: You are an owl.
Neo: Gah! *smashes screen* I hate Knock-Knock jokes!
Knock knock.
Neo: Who is it???
Ugly guy: Er... *forgot his name* ...me! Your buddy!
Neo: *opens the door* What do you want?
Ugly guy: Er... *forgot what he wanted* ...hey, I have a lot of money!
Neo: *grabs the money* Thanks. Bye. *closes the door*
Ugly guy: Hey! Er... *forgot what happened* ...where am I?
Neo: *opens the door, again* Here, that's for you.
Ugly guy: *gets a disc* Hallelujah!
You're my savior, man. Now I'll pass my history-exam!
Neo: Uhm, by the way, I always wanted to ask you something-
Ugly guy: Don't ask, I know the answer - It's called Mescaline! I'm 12 years
old, feel like 20, look like 40! My brain has the size of a peanut! *ahurg*
Ugly girl: Definitely.
Ugly guy: *sees the girl* ...who are you?!
Neo
is pissed. So he wants to forget the world and watches some strippers in a
gay-club. Just as every evening.
Trin: Hi Neo!
Neo: *turns around* Er... *stares at her*
Trin: What?
Neo: Er... *nudges her breast*
Trin: Hey, what the f-?!
Neo: I just thought, uhm...you were a guy.
Trin: Most guys do.
Neo: Uhu. *stares at her breast*
Trin: Well... why did you think I'm a guy?
Neo: This is a gay-club.
Trin: Ou.
Neo: *trys to nudge her breast, again* Girl...
Trin: Ahem... bye!
Next day. Neo is late for work.
Neo: Oh shit!
"Shit"-scalar: *bing* Two.
Neo: Oh shit shit shit!
"Shit"-scalar: *bing, bing, bing* Gah! Forget it!
Office of Mr. Boss.
Boss: *bla, bla, blubb* Either you choose to be at your desk on time from this
day forward or... or... or I'll lock up the door and you can stay outside!! Do I
make myself clear??
Neo: Uhm... yes...
Neo sits between his 3½ walls and stares at his screen.
Neo: Any Knock-Knock jokes and I'll destroy you.
FedExGuy: Knock, knock!
Neo: WHOAA! *throws the screen on the floor and batters it*
FedExGuy: ...
Neo: *stops jumping on the screen-pieces* Oh. Hi.
FedExGuy: ... *blink*
Neo: Is this for me?
FedExGuy: *in trance* Just sign here okay great have a nice day. *drops packet*
Neo gets a phone. It rings. It's Morpheus. Neo looks over his wall and sees
Smith. Neo is a pussy and is afraid of climbing out of the window. Trin says
"Shit" and then we see the green interrogation-room. (I love skipping
the plot to come to the best parts!)
Smith+Brown+Jones: *come* ... *in*
Smith: *looks at Neo's folder* As you can see, we've had our eye on you for some
time now, Mr. Anderson. It seems that you've been living two lives. In one life,
you're Thomas A. Anderson, program writer for a respectable software company...
and in the other, you're... *groan* 'the horny Neo'... one of these lives has a
future, and one of them does not.
Neo: Uhm-
Smith: We're willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start. And all
that we're asking in return is... your... hot... ass...
Neo: *confused* *just stares at him*
Smith: Get your pants off and your ass up.
Jones: *wink*
Neo: *VERY confused* *looks down*
Smith: Getting hard? Me, too.
Neo: How about I give you the finger...
Smith: *moan* Ohh...
Neo: *thinks* Why did I say that?? That! Was! A! BAD! IDEA!
Brown and Jones take off Neo's clothes and-
Smith: Mr. Anderson... I needed this so badly...
Neo wakes up. And has an erection. Just as every night.
Phone: Knock, kno- er, I mean... Ring, ring!
Neo: *grabs the phone* HEY! IT'S THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING! I NEED SOME PEACE
AND QUIET! AND I WANT TO MASTURBATE!!!
Morpheus: Er... what?
Later. Under the bridge. A car stops.
Trin: Hi Neo!
Neo: Oh... it's you again... the girl... *trys to nudge her breast*
Trin: Get in!
Switch: *aims at him*
Neo: Hey, what the hell is this?
Trin: That's a water-gun. Everyone of us has a water-gun, that's the club-sign!
Neo: Oh.
Trin: And that's Switch.
Neo: *stares with open mouth* *for several minutes*
Trin: *sigh* ...she's a girl.
Neo: *sees no breast to nudge*
In the hotel.
Morpheus: Hi Neo! C'mon, sit down! Oh, it's so good to see you, again!
Neo: Uh... 'again'?
Morpheus: Don't you remeber? We played together in the sand-pit!
Neo: Oh. *remembers bitter events of his childhood* Yeah, you always wanted me
to eat your sand-cakes...
Morpheus: Let me tell you why you're here. I wanted to ask you - do you want to
become a club-member?
Neo: Uhm...
Morpheus: Club-members get water-guns and candy! Here, choose! Take the blue
pill, the story ends, take the red pill, stay in wonderland.
Neo: ...huh?
Morpheus: Take the red pill. The red one! Red! Go! C'mon, take it!
Neo: *afraid* Okay! *takes the red pill and chews* Mhh... Strawberry...
Morpheus: Now you're a club-member!!
Trin, Apok, Switch, Cypher: *come in with party-hats* Yaaaay!
Neo: But I-
Morpheus: *pulls him to the other room* And now we have to get you out of the Matrix!
Neo: The what?
Morpheus: Have you ever had a dream, Neo... in which you had to hide yourself
from Darth Vader behind a giant plant pot?
Neo: Er... no?!
Morpheus: I did. It was terrible!
(now we skip
again) Cold Mirror (that's me!). Neo wakes up on the Nebuchadnezzar. Morpheus
shows him his whole gang. In the construct.
Morpheus: This is the construct. It's our loading program. We can load anything
we need - clothing, weapons... or red chairs. Sit down, let's watch TV!
TV: Welcome to 'the real world'.
Neo: Boring.
Morpheus: Okay, I'll try something... *clicks the remote control* This is the
world as it exists today... Welcome... to the desert... of the real.
Neo: Boring.
Morpheus: *keeps on twaddling* We have only bits and pieces of information but-
Neo: Boooooooooriiiiiiiiing...
Morpheus: I'm trying to explain something to you! Your world never really
existed! That was the Matrix!
Neo: And?
Moroheus: And the truth is, that you're an ugly guy without hair!
Neo pops. Now he knows the truth. Next day. Training. Jump program.
Morpheus: Free your mind. *big jump* Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!
Neo: Whoa. Okiedokie. Free my mind. *jumps* *lands flat on the street* Ouch.
On the Neb. Neo wakes up.
Neo: *touches his mouth* Hey... blood?
Morpheus: No! Remeber the red pill? It's colouring your tongue! *giggle*
Heehee!! *collapses into giggles*
Next day. Another training program. Green traffic light.
Morpheus: *takes Neo by his hand* Now let's sing a song! Red light and green
light, don't goof! 'Green' means 'let's go' and 'red' means 'don't move!'
Neo: Ahem... *trys to free his hand*
Morpheus: The Matrix is a system Neo. That system is our enemy.
Neo: *looks at the woman in red* Girl!
Morpheus: Uhm, yeah, whatever. Look again.
Neo: *looks at Smith* ...mew.
Morpheus: That's an agent. Agents are bad. And this one is very special. He's
VERY dangerous! He's... *whispers* ...gay. But were all men failed, you will
succeed!
Neo: Why?
Morpheus: Because you're 'the One'!
Neo: Ahem... what if I were gay?
Morpheus: WHAT??
Neo: I said 'If I WERE'! I am not gay of course... *cought* but... what if?
Morpheus: *exaggerated laugh* Ahahaha! Goog joke! 'The One' can't be gay!
Neo: ...yeah.
Later that day. Cypher is in a chat room.
cyphLOVE: see
ya tomorrow!
John_S: ok! bye!
cyphLOVE: bye, honey
John_S: *smack, smack*
cyphLOVE: *g*
Neo: Hi!
Cypher: *squeak* *turns off the screen*
Neo: John S?? Who's that?
Cypher: Uhhhhh... John... *thinks out a name* Smith!
Neo: *gasp*
Cypher: ER, NO! I mean... Sssss... Sssss... Sognokovsuschinski! Yeah!
Next day. Restaurant.
Cypher: Mhhhhh... meat! *chew, grunt, swallow* Nice to meat you! You know -meet!
Meat! *ahurg, ahurg*
Smith: *slightly disapointed*
Cypher: Tell me something about you! What do you like? What are your hobbies?
Smith: ...finding and destroying people.
Cypher: *light-hearted* Oh great, I like riding!
Smith: *sigh* ...me too.
Cypher: Really? Do you like horses?
Smith: Uhm... no, I like... riding... *cought*
Next day. Everybody eats Tasty Weat. Mouse talks nonsense.
Mouse: So what did you think of it?
Neo: Of what?
Mouse: The red dress! I designed it! Do you want a red dress? I can make a red
dress for you!
Later. On the way to the Oracle. Lift.
Neo: Er, where do we go again?
Morpheus: To the Oracle.
Neo: An Oracle?! A big stoneface that wants you to bring *howls* goooold!?
Morpheus: Uhm... yeah, it's exactly like this. Except the big stoneface and the
'goooold'.
In Oracle's kitchen.
Neo: *comes in* Hello...?
Oracle: *bakes cookies* One moment! Be right with you!
Neo: *waits*
Oracle: *bakes*
Neo: Shall I wait outside?
Oracle: *turns around and looks at him* Oh! Hello! Haven't seen you!
Neo: Er...
Oracle: *bakes* Dumdidum...
Neo: *cought*
Oracle: *turns around and looks at him* Oh! Hello! Haven't seen you!
Neo: ...
Oracle: How are you?
Neo: Uhm... fine.
Oracle: Uhu... *fumbles at her cigarettes* *looks at him again* Oh! Hello!
Haven't seen you!
Neo: *nerved sigh*
Oracle: How are you? Fine?
Neo: ...yeah.
Oracle: I knew that! I'm an Oracle! I can see into the future!
Neo: Uhu. Well, tell me something about my future.
Oracle: Okay, show me your hands.
Neo: *shows his hands*
Oracle: Umm, that's interesting, but... *takes a closer look at his middle
finger* Ohou!
Neo: Uhm, I, er-
Oracle: Your future will be very rosy! I see... many exploding men... and they
all look the same...
Neo: And... that's rosy?
Oracle: It depends on how you look at it.
Neo: Ah.
Oracle: Perhaps... it's a man you don't like. Perhaps it's not a real man at
all...
Neo: *trys to free his middle finger*Ahem, I better go!
Oracle: You know what that means?
Neo: *looks at the sign over the door*
Sign: No smoking.
Oracle: It's Latin!
Neo: *expressionless* No, it's English.
Oracle: Really? *puts on her glasses* Oh yeah, you're right! I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Being 'The One' is just like
being in love. No one can tell you your're in love, you just know it. Through
and through-
Neo: *thinks* In love?! With... Smith? NO! I mean - er- Trinity?? Gah! *screams*
I! AM! NOT! GAY!!!
Oracle: ... *blink*
Neo: ARGH! *runs away, stops beside the spoon boy, grabs all spoons and bends
them* HA!
Spoon boy: *starts to cry*
A lot of action-scenes. And then we see our beloved - MULPHA!! (I love this
word...)
Smith: Have you ever stood and stared at it, marveled at its beauty, its genius?
Brown: Can I put my pants back on, darling?
Smith: But your ass is so pretty! I could stare at it the whole
day!
Brown: I think we should interrogate this Morpheus now... and I'm cold...
Later.
Smith: Oh yeah, oh, ohhh... spurt!
Brown: *spurts* *with the syringe* Heehee!
Morpheus: *thinks* Get me out, get me out, get me out, get me out, get me out,
get me out, get me out...
On the Neb.
Neo: I'll rescue Morpheus!
Trin+Tank: *watch TV* Yeah, whatever...
Neo: Uhm... *dramatic* Oh, I know it looks like suicide! But it's not! Don't
hold me back!
Tank: Uhu, okay, bye.
Neo: I believe I can bring him back! *heroic* I'm going in!
Trin: I'm going with you! Let me tell you what I believe - you're not a super-hero.
You will die. You can't handle anything - You can't spread a bread yourself!
Neo: *ashamed* But... we have no bread anyway...
In the office.
Smith: Mammals... feed its young on milk... with... nipples...
Morpheus: ...get me out, get me out, get me out, get me out, get me out, get me
out, get me out...
Smith: Men have nipples, too, but they don't give milk. My sweet Brownie has
very soft nipples, do you want to see them?
Morpheus: *whimper* Get me ouuuuuuut...
Neo and Trin in the construct.
Tank: Okay. So what do you need, besides a miracle?
Neo: Guns. Lots of guns.
Guns appear out of nowhere and smash Trinity away. Meanwhile in the office.
Brown: *pestering* Why do you always want me to be naked? You were never
interested in my feelings! You just want sex, sex, sex!!
Smith: Sweety, calm down! You make me nervous! Leave me with him! Now!
Brown: Ph! C'mon Jonesy! Mr. 'I want to sleep in the middle' wants to be alone
with his new friend! *slams the door*
Smith: Can you hear me, Morpheus? I'm going to be honest with you. *groans* I...
killed Muphasa!
Morpheus: ??
Smith: We watched 'Lion King' on TV yesterday. Nice movie, but we don't like
Disney, Jones always has to cry...
Big fight in the lobby.
Trin: Hey! Why do you throw your guns away?!
Neo: Reloading is gay.
In the office. Jones and Brown come back and see Smith sitting right in front of
Morpheus.
Jones: What were you doing?
Brown: *near tears* You deceived us!
Explosion. Sprinkler activated.
Brown: And now it starts to rain! What a great day!!
Big fight on the roof.
Trin: *throws a knife*
Soldier: Ou. My eye.
Trin: Let's fly with this helicopter!
Neo: Yay!
Neo and Trin rescue Morpheus, the helicopter gets a leak, crashes down, but Neo
saves everybody. Just like every time.
Neo: Morpheus. I don't know... something made me risk my life for you... and for
Trin... and it felt good...
Morpheus: That's friendship, Neo.
Trin: *hugs Neo* And it's good to have a friend like you!
Neo+Trin+Morpheus: *hug, smile into camera*
Subway
station.
Neo: *fuckin' friendly* You first, Morpheus, my buddy and very best friend!
Morpheus: Ahem, yeah, thanks. *out*
Morpheus
and Trin get out.
Smith: Mrrr. Aaanderrrson. Finally we meet again. Let's bang around.
Neo and Smith bang around.
Smith: You're empty.
Neo: So are you.
Smith: This is kinda sexy, isn't it?
Big fight. Neo hits Smith's glasses.
Smith: My glasses! My glasses! I can't see without my glasses! Oh, fuck it! I'm
going to enjoy watching you die, Mr. An-
Black KitKat Guy: Heeeey my friend, you need sunglasses?
Smith: Damn...
Black KitKat Guy: Or you want a watch?? Beautyful swiss watch, you know?
Neo runs away, but gets shot by Smith in room 303.
Brown: There you are. What have you done?
Smith: I killed Neo. For you. It's a proof for my never-ending love for you! I
never wanted to deceive you! Nobody shall come between us from this day on!
Smith+Brown+Jones: *huge hug* Awwwww...
Brown: Heehee... "come" *giggle* "between us"...
Jones: *moan* I want to 'come between you'...
Brown: Gnihihihi...
Smith: C'mon, let's buy some water-melons!
Brown+Jones: Yay!
On the Neb.
Trin: Neo... I think I'm in love with you.
Morpheus: *crys* He's dead, you stupid cow!!
Neo: Er, no, I'm not.
Morpheus: *gasp* But Smith killed you?!
Neo: Remember? I'm 'the One'! *kisses Trin* And I'm not gay! Wheeee!!
Trin: I was wrong, Neo. You are a super-hero. My super-hero!
Neo: And I can fly! *grabs Trin and flys away*
End-credits.
Morpheus: Er, wait a moment, we're still in the real world, why can you fly??
The end. Everybody is happy. Everybody?
Oracle: Here, have a cookie and stop crying little spoon boy. *turns around*
Spoon boy: I have a name!!
Oracle: *looks at him again* Oh! Hello! Haven't seen you!
Spoon boy: Buaaaaa!!
=END!=
